Epilogue:
The woman’s journey is to realize her power is within her. As a woman.
Joseph Campbell, Pathways to Bliss
Some of us are becoming the man we wanted to marry. Gloria Steinem
How to Marry myself:
the worldly, practical, doer and the spiritually hungry be-ing want to marry inside the breath. Bathe in stillness as in a clear stream of breath running up and down the center of being. Feel cleansed and whole upon arising. Return to the list of things to do, calls to make.
Keep it simple, silly.
Prologue:
How to get closer to me, to my singular truth, or way, (a woman’s way) like Joan, hearing voices in the light, and Mira, dancing to her own music, or Teresa, despairing of being judged a heretic but heeding an experience so intimate, so her own, that even punishment or excommunication from her religious faith could not dissuade her. Although self-doubt was present, she surrendered to the piercing of her heart –
And so, not to put myself in that league of illustrious company, still, I invoke these ‘mothers of spirit’ if you will, and say, I am ready to hear my own rhythm – at least, I want to be open to hearing it, to follow that narrow path within, where the going is by feeling, letting go of maps, books, guides, all those who say go here, do this, and wish to give me explanations, for I have been lead far astray, until I doubt my every step. Or run so quickly over the path, my feet barely touch the ground.
All I ask or will, is that my two feet remain on the ground, connected and even if losing my reason is the thing I fear most in this world, I am willing to listen deeply and find the inner strength necessary to take each step from a new perspective, one from inner conviction.
A voice coaxes-- says, I have always been here; you have always listened to your parent’s wisdom, your teacher’s insights, your friend’s admonitions, your children’s voices. Now, before you go any further down the wrong road – wait – what do you mean by wrong? If I do not know what is right? So skip right and wrong. Feeling.
I have been told to start finding out how I feel – what I feel. This numbing busy-ness stresses me – carries me out on a wave too far from shore, there is risk of drowning. All right then, now - I am listening. Guide me. I say to my self – if you are the One I have run from all this time and now, you are so close and in fact, inside my right ear whispering to me, then guide me. I have lost my trust in politicians, in self-help books, in science and religion, in philosophy, tragedy and comedy – where else is there to turn?
So if there be guides awake in the night, angels lighting my path, let me listen to you. And then, listen to my beating heart, my ragged breath, and carefully attend, and tend to, the tiny tendrils of inner thought, of being before thinking – If there be a place to find wisdom, here it is. It prefers a sideways glance --stops when looked at directly. No glaring eyes.
-----------
“Suffering is part of the feminine…a sense of loss of all, even capacity for action, a loss so deep nothing matters.” Inanna, Descent to the Goddess
There are those sleeping who are awake,
and others awake who are sound asleep.
Some of those bathing in sacred pools
will never get clean.
And there are others
doing household chores
who are free of any action.
Lalla, 14th century Kashmir
to be continued
musemother
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Heart as path and destination
Am I the author of my existence? no.
Am I the driver of my life's journey? yes.
Did I create the path I am driving on? (still no answer to that one)
I am wondering about where thought can lead us - is it true that we create our reality by our thoughts, that I can visualize what I want, and focusing on that draw it to me?
I guess it depends which reality we are talking about.
The house I live in, the job I do, the family I interact with, are one level of my reality. But there is a space inside my heart that is already enjoying serenity and tranquility, is anchored in deep waters. On the surface, the waves may be choppy, the storm may be howling. But in this deep protected place of the heart, another weather system predominates. And this, too, is real.
In that deep contentment where the heart is full, my desires seem to pale. I still want to get paid a good salary, have recognition for work well done, interact with my children without too much angst, rest when I am tired. But there is not the driving need to get all my fulfillment from my surroundings, because inside my cup is full. It helps me relax into life and appreciate what comes.
This river of full-heartedness exists inside of me, you.
So I guess my previous post about The Secret and its hype, in response to Bella's blog about the Secret and its hype, is about acceptance and not-knowing.
Bella used childbirth as an exampe (the field in which she works). I saw it in my own experience of two very different births. The first one, I was letting the doctor and hospital schedules run things, and not trusting my body very much. I imagined that if I wanted a natural childbirth without drugs or intervention, it would pretty much happen. The I Ching that day said "reality never coincides with its ideal". Well, after a day of being induced with oxytocin didn't help bring a child down, a week later I danced myself into labour, then spent a fruitless night with contractions and no dilation.
The next day, after hours of intense back labour (and more drugs to speed things up), I was begging for an epidural. They put it off as long as they could so as not to delay things any more. It was a relief when they gave it to me, and after pushing a short while, finally, beautiful blue-eyed Julien slid out of me. I was so tired, but too excited to sleep, transformed by his passage through me. Of course, the journey had just begun.
I was determined the next birth I would listen to my body, but after two weeks of waiting past a 'due' date, Caitie's arrival was helped along by an old grandmother's recipe of castor oil, sex and sit-ups; she blasted out of me on the back seat of the car on the way to the hospital after 1 1/2 hours of labour. While I was relieved that she was pink and breathing, and laughed all night with relief, there really was no way of picturing that in advance. We considered our prayers had been answered, in a way, because no doctors or midwives were in attendance, just my husband catching her slippery body and covering her with his shirt.
We also lost two babies to miscarriage previously; and grieved those little fish thrown back into the sea. Was it ambivalence about having children? or nature's way? We had to surrender to those realities.
So I guess I see it this way: I am driving the car, but I do not create the path in front of me. I may take side trips over rocky terrain, then come back to the smooth highway. I may exit for coffee and gas or find shelter from the rain or snow on the side of the highway. I may extend my trip or have it shortened. But I can enjoy the ride, no matter the weather, trust that the highway will bring me to my destination. The ride, with the heart as guide, is more pleasant. A compass to help me find my way home.
knowing only one thing for sure,
I carry home with me, whither I wander,
musemother
Am I the driver of my life's journey? yes.
Did I create the path I am driving on? (still no answer to that one)
I am wondering about where thought can lead us - is it true that we create our reality by our thoughts, that I can visualize what I want, and focusing on that draw it to me?
I guess it depends which reality we are talking about.
The house I live in, the job I do, the family I interact with, are one level of my reality. But there is a space inside my heart that is already enjoying serenity and tranquility, is anchored in deep waters. On the surface, the waves may be choppy, the storm may be howling. But in this deep protected place of the heart, another weather system predominates. And this, too, is real.
In that deep contentment where the heart is full, my desires seem to pale. I still want to get paid a good salary, have recognition for work well done, interact with my children without too much angst, rest when I am tired. But there is not the driving need to get all my fulfillment from my surroundings, because inside my cup is full. It helps me relax into life and appreciate what comes.
This river of full-heartedness exists inside of me, you.
So I guess my previous post about The Secret and its hype, in response to Bella's blog about the Secret and its hype, is about acceptance and not-knowing.
Bella used childbirth as an exampe (the field in which she works). I saw it in my own experience of two very different births. The first one, I was letting the doctor and hospital schedules run things, and not trusting my body very much. I imagined that if I wanted a natural childbirth without drugs or intervention, it would pretty much happen. The I Ching that day said "reality never coincides with its ideal". Well, after a day of being induced with oxytocin didn't help bring a child down, a week later I danced myself into labour, then spent a fruitless night with contractions and no dilation.
The next day, after hours of intense back labour (and more drugs to speed things up), I was begging for an epidural. They put it off as long as they could so as not to delay things any more. It was a relief when they gave it to me, and after pushing a short while, finally, beautiful blue-eyed Julien slid out of me. I was so tired, but too excited to sleep, transformed by his passage through me. Of course, the journey had just begun.
I was determined the next birth I would listen to my body, but after two weeks of waiting past a 'due' date, Caitie's arrival was helped along by an old grandmother's recipe of castor oil, sex and sit-ups; she blasted out of me on the back seat of the car on the way to the hospital after 1 1/2 hours of labour. While I was relieved that she was pink and breathing, and laughed all night with relief, there really was no way of picturing that in advance. We considered our prayers had been answered, in a way, because no doctors or midwives were in attendance, just my husband catching her slippery body and covering her with his shirt.
We also lost two babies to miscarriage previously; and grieved those little fish thrown back into the sea. Was it ambivalence about having children? or nature's way? We had to surrender to those realities.
So I guess I see it this way: I am driving the car, but I do not create the path in front of me. I may take side trips over rocky terrain, then come back to the smooth highway. I may exit for coffee and gas or find shelter from the rain or snow on the side of the highway. I may extend my trip or have it shortened. But I can enjoy the ride, no matter the weather, trust that the highway will bring me to my destination. The ride, with the heart as guide, is more pleasant. A compass to help me find my way home.
knowing only one thing for sure,
I carry home with me, whither I wander,
musemother
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
The Tao of Letting Go
#74
If you realize that all things change,
there is nothing you will try to hold on to.
If you aren't afraid of dying,
there is nothing you can't achieve.
Trying to control the future
is like trying to take the master carpetner's place.
When you handle the master carpenter's tools,
chance are that you'll cut your hand.
Ancient wisdom: the thing about the Tao Te Ching is that it still makes sense, its essence rings true. We are thousands of years away from that Chinese 'time and place' but still Lao Tzu makes perfect sense.
Just read Bella's blog about The Secret, and how painful it is when bad things happen to 'good' people. How disease, hardship, a difficult birth, all bring us face to face with a larger reality: I am not in control. Even if I use my 'affirmations' every day, or prayer, or positive thinking, I cannot always draw to me what "I" want or desire.
There is comfort in knowing that a higher power or creative force, whatever you want to call that 'master' carpenter, is shaping something for me. There is peace in letting go of 'wishing' the future into being.
My most powerful experiences are not of being the conductor of my own life, designing, creating and drawing towards myself what I can imagine, but of having gifts unfold that I had never imagined, whether jobs, houses, children, projects, friends or challenges....that come my way through no apparent design of my own, and yet, at a deep level are exactly what I need (and not always what I want). Growth feels painful at times.
Yet aren't we in the 'earth school', as I told my husband this morning, as he left the house for another day of battle on the financial frontier. You just duck some days, (keep the ego low to the ground), keep centered in the midst of the fire.
Peace is not the absence of war, peace is found deep within you, says Maharaji, a living sage.
If I wait for the external world to bring me peace, I will wait a long time.
Sigh....deep sigh. I want to begin each day with a new breath, a new moment, and let the serendipity and synchronicity of life surprise me. And bring me strength within to focus on the light, yet accept the dark.
If I can lift my chin, look up from my inner kaleidoscope of desires and wishes and wants, and appreciate this day...
learning to let go,
musemother
If you realize that all things change,
there is nothing you will try to hold on to.
If you aren't afraid of dying,
there is nothing you can't achieve.
Trying to control the future
is like trying to take the master carpetner's place.
When you handle the master carpenter's tools,
chance are that you'll cut your hand.
Ancient wisdom: the thing about the Tao Te Ching is that it still makes sense, its essence rings true. We are thousands of years away from that Chinese 'time and place' but still Lao Tzu makes perfect sense.
Just read Bella's blog about The Secret, and how painful it is when bad things happen to 'good' people. How disease, hardship, a difficult birth, all bring us face to face with a larger reality: I am not in control. Even if I use my 'affirmations' every day, or prayer, or positive thinking, I cannot always draw to me what "I" want or desire.
There is comfort in knowing that a higher power or creative force, whatever you want to call that 'master' carpenter, is shaping something for me. There is peace in letting go of 'wishing' the future into being.
My most powerful experiences are not of being the conductor of my own life, designing, creating and drawing towards myself what I can imagine, but of having gifts unfold that I had never imagined, whether jobs, houses, children, projects, friends or challenges....that come my way through no apparent design of my own, and yet, at a deep level are exactly what I need (and not always what I want). Growth feels painful at times.
Yet aren't we in the 'earth school', as I told my husband this morning, as he left the house for another day of battle on the financial frontier. You just duck some days, (keep the ego low to the ground), keep centered in the midst of the fire.
Peace is not the absence of war, peace is found deep within you, says Maharaji, a living sage.
If I wait for the external world to bring me peace, I will wait a long time.
Sigh....deep sigh. I want to begin each day with a new breath, a new moment, and let the serendipity and synchronicity of life surprise me. And bring me strength within to focus on the light, yet accept the dark.
If I can lift my chin, look up from my inner kaleidoscope of desires and wishes and wants, and appreciate this day...
learning to let go,
musemother
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Building a mini-retreat
Sometimes a retreat away is not possible. Sometimes, although every bone in your body is calling to get away and find time alone, you have to stay home.
Because I'm a stay-at-home mom, and have dogs and cats too, when I can't get away physically, I make myself a mini-retreat. I can spare an hour, even two at least once a month.
The original idea came after I attended a retreat called the Writer's Spa in Taos, New Mexico, with Jennifer Louden, Comfort Queen. (Especially during your menstrual time, or anytime during menopause, these times set aside for sacred space are very nurturing and comforting. A great way to slow down and meet your inner feminine).
Recipe for a mini-retreat: (in any order you like)
Unplug the phone.
Light a candle from Zena Moon candles http:// http:// www.zenamoon.com
Meditate in silence for as long as you comfortably can.
Put on some soothing music (Nigel Holton, Eversound, Zen flute or Pure Peace)
Stretch into yoga on the floor, open your hips, legs and chest in Pigeon Pose or just lie in corpse pose and surrender.
Open Native American animals cards and do a Medicine Wheel Spread
(like a tarot deck, inner wisdom through our healer animal spirits)
Write in journal, sit and feel whatever emotions arise. Acknowledge them, without judgement.
Make a cup of herbal tea to calm stomach.
Don't turn on the computer or read emails until later.
Put off laundry, the list of things to do, and rushing anywhere;
Hope you have a wonderful inner peace retreat! It works for me.
(don't forget to blow out the candles!)
namaste,
jenn
Because I'm a stay-at-home mom, and have dogs and cats too, when I can't get away physically, I make myself a mini-retreat. I can spare an hour, even two at least once a month.
The original idea came after I attended a retreat called the Writer's Spa in Taos, New Mexico, with Jennifer Louden, Comfort Queen. (Especially during your menstrual time, or anytime during menopause, these times set aside for sacred space are very nurturing and comforting. A great way to slow down and meet your inner feminine).
Recipe for a mini-retreat: (in any order you like)
Unplug the phone.
Light a candle from Zena Moon candles http:// http:// www.zenamoon.com
Meditate in silence for as long as you comfortably can.
Put on some soothing music (Nigel Holton, Eversound, Zen flute or Pure Peace)
Stretch into yoga on the floor, open your hips, legs and chest in Pigeon Pose or just lie in corpse pose and surrender.
Open Native American animals cards and do a Medicine Wheel Spread
(like a tarot deck, inner wisdom through our healer animal spirits)
Write in journal, sit and feel whatever emotions arise. Acknowledge them, without judgement.
Make a cup of herbal tea to calm stomach.
Don't turn on the computer or read emails until later.
Put off laundry, the list of things to do, and rushing anywhere;
Hope you have a wonderful inner peace retreat! It works for me.
(don't forget to blow out the candles!)
namaste,
jenn
Friday, November 16, 2007
Essence of wisdom
Tao Te Ching #14
Look, and it can't be seen.
Listen, and it can't be heard.
Reach, and it can't be grasped.
Above, it isn't bright.
Below, it isn't dark.
Seamless, unnameable,
it returns to the realm of nothing.
Form that includes all forms,
image without an image,
subtle, beyond all conception.
Approach it and there is no beginning;
follow it and there is no end.
You can't know it, but you can be it,
at ease in your own life.
Just realize where you come from:
this is the essence of wisdom.
If we consider the source of our wisdom as the source of being, wow, that opens up all the stops.
It may mean slowing down and breathing into your center.
It may mean, accepting and flowing with the life force inside your body.
It may mean temporarily letting go of control :)
It may mean finding your voice.
It may mean speaking from authentic experience.
It may mean you are a wise woman, before you get old.
be close to your wisdom today,
jenn
Look, and it can't be seen.
Listen, and it can't be heard.
Reach, and it can't be grasped.
Above, it isn't bright.
Below, it isn't dark.
Seamless, unnameable,
it returns to the realm of nothing.
Form that includes all forms,
image without an image,
subtle, beyond all conception.
Approach it and there is no beginning;
follow it and there is no end.
You can't know it, but you can be it,
at ease in your own life.
Just realize where you come from:
this is the essence of wisdom.
If we consider the source of our wisdom as the source of being, wow, that opens up all the stops.
It may mean slowing down and breathing into your center.
It may mean, accepting and flowing with the life force inside your body.
It may mean temporarily letting go of control :)
It may mean finding your voice.
It may mean speaking from authentic experience.
It may mean you are a wise woman, before you get old.
be close to your wisdom today,
jenn
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
What if a woman listened to herself?
"What if woman allowed herself to listen once again to her own sensitivities? To listen to the ways in which she is unhappy? What if she allowed herself to trust what her tears are trying to tell her?
No, not this way, No your life has no meaning lived this way. No…No…slow down, rest. Fill the kettle slowly. Listen! as the water in its slender stream flows down to fill the waiting kettle.
A woman age 55 speaks of her struggle:
Oh the time, the endless pressure of time Even when I have a whole day, I still can’t get to my own things – I don’t even know what they are…
I vacuum, do the bookkeeping, always production-oriented…the endless realm of keeping busy…when I was young, my mother always expected us to keep busy…she couldn’t imagine my need to have time for myself…if one of her daughters would be a bit quiet or inward one day, she would right away immediately accuse us of being lazy and gives us a task to do.
In my dreams there is a quiet chamber, an inner corridor for which I’m always searching and can never quite get to…a quiet, dark place…where I’m allowed to just sit…alone …and be still.
What if a woman were to allow herself to trust her own unhappiness and to make life changes – that would allow time and place for her to experience her life as it lives itself out slowly, moment by moment? To allow herself time and place to be present to her own burning fire, the water springing from the rock of her own experience…to allow herself to leave behind the jet plane, the express lane, and simply to be, there, for a moment, present to her own life?
What if a woman trusted her own tears enough to listen to them, to make real changes in her individual schedule, and to see if those changes spread to her office, her committee, her religious group?
What if she trusted her anger, her irritation, her illness, even her depression, as signs that her own life was calling to her?
What if a woman allowed herself to leave a mode of doing that does not nourish her, that actively makes her unhappy? What if it were not so difficult? If her upbringing had not sought to teach her to be dutiful, moral, caring, giving, helpful, productive and loving…at all times...to all others.
….it is often finally a woman’s own pain and sadness that make her change her life. Finally, it is impossible to deny her feelings any longer."
taken from Circle of Stones, Judith Duerk, Woman’s Journey to Herself
No, not this way, No your life has no meaning lived this way. No…No…slow down, rest. Fill the kettle slowly. Listen! as the water in its slender stream flows down to fill the waiting kettle.
A woman age 55 speaks of her struggle:
Oh the time, the endless pressure of time Even when I have a whole day, I still can’t get to my own things – I don’t even know what they are…
I vacuum, do the bookkeeping, always production-oriented…the endless realm of keeping busy…when I was young, my mother always expected us to keep busy…she couldn’t imagine my need to have time for myself…if one of her daughters would be a bit quiet or inward one day, she would right away immediately accuse us of being lazy and gives us a task to do.
In my dreams there is a quiet chamber, an inner corridor for which I’m always searching and can never quite get to…a quiet, dark place…where I’m allowed to just sit…alone …and be still.
What if a woman were to allow herself to trust her own unhappiness and to make life changes – that would allow time and place for her to experience her life as it lives itself out slowly, moment by moment? To allow herself time and place to be present to her own burning fire, the water springing from the rock of her own experience…to allow herself to leave behind the jet plane, the express lane, and simply to be, there, for a moment, present to her own life?
What if a woman trusted her own tears enough to listen to them, to make real changes in her individual schedule, and to see if those changes spread to her office, her committee, her religious group?
What if she trusted her anger, her irritation, her illness, even her depression, as signs that her own life was calling to her?
What if a woman allowed herself to leave a mode of doing that does not nourish her, that actively makes her unhappy? What if it were not so difficult? If her upbringing had not sought to teach her to be dutiful, moral, caring, giving, helpful, productive and loving…at all times...to all others.
….it is often finally a woman’s own pain and sadness that make her change her life. Finally, it is impossible to deny her feelings any longer."
taken from Circle of Stones, Judith Duerk, Woman’s Journey to Herself
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Tao Te Ching Wisdom for the day
#45
True perfection seems imperfect,
yet it is perfectly itself.
True fullness seems empty,
yet it is fully present.
True straightness seems crooked.
True wisdom seems foolish.
ture art seems artless.
The Master allows things to happen.
She shapes events as they come.
She steps out of the way
and lets the Tao speak for itself.
another excerpt says,
Rushing into action, you fail.
Trying to grasp things, you lose them.
Forcing a project to completion
you ruin what was almost ripe.
Therefore the Master takes action
by letting things take their course
....and,
Be content with what you have;
rejoice in the way things are.
When you realize there is nothing lacking,
the whole world belongs to you.
Is it just my imagination, or is everything I'm reading today in the Tao Te Ching aimed at inviting me to let go, let things take their course, stop worrying, controlling, obsessing, striving, pushing too hard, going too fast?
step out of the way.....
So the wisdom of the day would be that. Let yourself go with the flow, and stop paddling up stream. It's a lot easier to let the boat follow the river. Row if you must, but you will advance more quickly when you let go to the river's current.
Life is a current. I can ride the waves of my life, being buoyant, being still in the center, and letting the ups and downs come. It takes a focus on what is real, what is permanent, to allow myself to not get upset by the changes, by what is impermanent.
If I look back a year ago today, I was unsure of the future, I was hoping things would change more quickly. Then boom, a few months later we had heard of a new house on the water, I applied to teach at the women's centre, life and the river kept flowing. Now we are renovating, and I am teaching. If I look towards the future, it is still uncertain, i.e. I have no way of knowing for sure what is coming.
But I am starting to trust the flow.
nameste,
musemother
True perfection seems imperfect,
yet it is perfectly itself.
True fullness seems empty,
yet it is fully present.
True straightness seems crooked.
True wisdom seems foolish.
ture art seems artless.
The Master allows things to happen.
She shapes events as they come.
She steps out of the way
and lets the Tao speak for itself.
another excerpt says,
Rushing into action, you fail.
Trying to grasp things, you lose them.
Forcing a project to completion
you ruin what was almost ripe.
Therefore the Master takes action
by letting things take their course
....and,
Be content with what you have;
rejoice in the way things are.
When you realize there is nothing lacking,
the whole world belongs to you.
Is it just my imagination, or is everything I'm reading today in the Tao Te Ching aimed at inviting me to let go, let things take their course, stop worrying, controlling, obsessing, striving, pushing too hard, going too fast?
step out of the way.....
So the wisdom of the day would be that. Let yourself go with the flow, and stop paddling up stream. It's a lot easier to let the boat follow the river. Row if you must, but you will advance more quickly when you let go to the river's current.
Life is a current. I can ride the waves of my life, being buoyant, being still in the center, and letting the ups and downs come. It takes a focus on what is real, what is permanent, to allow myself to not get upset by the changes, by what is impermanent.
If I look back a year ago today, I was unsure of the future, I was hoping things would change more quickly. Then boom, a few months later we had heard of a new house on the water, I applied to teach at the women's centre, life and the river kept flowing. Now we are renovating, and I am teaching. If I look towards the future, it is still uncertain, i.e. I have no way of knowing for sure what is coming.
But I am starting to trust the flow.
nameste,
musemother
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